Pre-Marital Counseling? Yes We Do!
This is my last post of 2016 and I wanted to talk about a topic that I feel is really important to couples preparing to get married. I’ve offered wedding services for over 20 years and the saddest situation I’ve ever found myself in as I help couples plan their dream wedding is seeing couples that should not be getting married. Either they’re not ready, or they’re not right for each other, or they’re overlooking major flaws because they’re in love, or they’re pregnant and feeling pressured, or they have unrealistic expectations, etc.. Whatever the reason, I know that good pre-marital counseling can help you to make your marriage what it was intended to be: happy, healthy, uplifting and honoring God. That is what I want for all of my wedding clients. Thank you for reading my posts in 2016. I look forward to writing about more wedding topics that interest you! Peace & Blessings. Sidney.
PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING
We all know the statistics: in America, 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages (with or without children) is even higher. Research indicates that premarital counseling can reduce the odds of divorce by 30%. An investment in counseling will start your relationship off on the right foot and help you and your partner navigate the many stages of relationship ahead and will help you grow into a more conscious, mature, fulfilling relationship. So why do so many people get no counseling, or even worst – bad counseling? Three main reasons are below:
Sometimes, we get so caught up in planning the wedding, we don’t take enough time to plan the marriage. We spend a lot of time and money planning a wedding, but scoff at the idea of investing in pre-marital counseling...one more thing to pay for before the wedding. A good marriage takes hard work, time, patience and lots of love and there are road maps that can help you along your way. If there are children involved from prior relationships, you’re also forming a family – not just a marriage – with more people’s wants and needs to take into consideration.
A lot of people don’t think counseling is important and jump into marriage without talking to their partner about important day-to-day things. Sometimes your spouse-to-be may try to dismiss the idea of counseling (not all cultures are open to the idea of “people getting in my business”) and we drop it because we don’t want to rock the boat. We are products of our childhood and each of us has seen (or not seen) the marriage relationship between our parents, grandparents, aunt and uncles, etc. These relationships have shaped our expectations of what marriage should, or shouldn’t, be. It’s important to discuss what you expect, want, and will tolerate in your marriage.
There is helpful counseling, and there is… less than helpful counseling. Many couples seek counseling from the officiant that will preside over their wedding ceremony. Unfortunately, many places of worship do not have good pre-marital counseling. Counseling becomes a “chat” instead of sessions where you are challenged to think about and discuss situations that you may not have faced together as a couple yet. Couples reach the altar with no new relationship tools to help their marriage. Even sadder, step-families are formed without any real guidance and everyone – the adults and the children – stumble along trying to figure it all out on their own.
Here are some things you may not have discussed yet that should come up in good pre-marital counseling:
What are our life goals? What are our values?
How do we feel about monogamy, and what our attitudes and approaches would be if one of us slipped up?
What we would do if we felt our marriage was in crisis. Would we agree upfront that we would both attend marriage counseling if the other partner requested it, even if our marriage was not in crisis? How do we feel about divorce?
Who will grocery shop, cook, clean the house, do the laundry, wash the car, fix the leaky sink?
Are there any health issues that we need to be aware of? Do we know our family health history?
Kids. Did we want them? Have we discussed a time line? Have we thought about what we would do if we discovered we were infertile? How do we feel about adoption? If one or both of us have them already, how will we raise each other’s children? How do you feel about discipline? Chores? Allowance?
Extended family. What boundaries will we put in place for ex-spouses, grandparents, etc.? What traditions do we expect to carry on and what traditions are we willing to change?
Money. Have we thoroughly discussed our attitudes about it with each other? Have we talked about budgeting, debt, savings, investments, life insurance? Who will manage the money? Will there be joint or separate bank accounts? Do we pay our taxes on time? Are there credit issues?
Will both work? Full time? Take a break to raise children, get a degree or pursue a business?
Sex. How important is it to each of us and are we willing to meet our partner in the middle? Do we really know what our partner wants or are we stuck in a perception of what they want?
What our relationship really means to each of us.
Are there any secrets that need we need to bring to light before the wedding so that our partner has a choice about moving forward, or are we planning to force a decision upon them?
Challenges:
If you clergy does not provide relevant pre-marital counseling, please seek some out on your own.
There are also some online ministries that provide free information about forming healthy marriages and healthy families. One to check out is Focus on the Family (www.focusonthefamily.com).
See if your place of worship has a marriage ministry. If not, consider starting one.
Seek out a marriage mentor – a couple which has been happily married for a number of years that can give you advice.
Find a book, dvd, cd or radio show on marriage that you can relate to and share it with your partner. One to check out is Pastor Tony Evans (www.tonyevans.org).
Getting to know your spouse-to-be better before the wedding is never a bad idea. Take time to ask important questions and then…….listen!
